So I cracked open a fresh bottle of Maine maple syrup, produced by a friend of mine who lives about 45 minutes away in the woods. That’s about as authentic as you can get. Ayuh.

Anywho, as I proceeded to pour the golden syrup on my oatmeal I noticed a stickah on the jug: “Produced in a Bird Friendly Environment.”

“Well,” I thought. “I guess so. He lives in the woods for cryin’ out loud.” I guess the idea of a marketing stickah from my friend kinda roiled my sensibilities a tad. What would a non-bird friendly environment look like, anyways?

There was no certifying agency responsible for the stickah, so I figured he just bought it as a means of foolin’ those folks from Vermont into thinking his maple syrup was superior. And I guess it worked. He sold this year’s production out in a few days, I’m told.

Of course, if he’d lived in Vermont, the stickah’ woulda said: “Hand-crafted in a sustainably managed sugar maple ecosystem, preserving the natural heritage of the Green Mountains through generations of stewardship.” Or, as it would occur to me: “If you don’t buy this syrup, you better check your life choices.”

Well, gettin’ back to my friend, Mainahs are likely to see through his “bird friendly” stickah as we tend to be a mite cynical ‘bout everything. So next year I’m going to suggest he change his stickah to the perfect Maine stickah:

“We poked holes in some trees. Here’s your syrup.”