1) Whenever Kurt Cobain, Phil Hartman, John Candy, Len Bias, or that guy from Blind Melon, etc. is mentioned in casual conversation, make sure to let everyone know you were alive when they died, and how sad you were when you heard they were dead. Also- make sure to let everyone know how sad you'll be when Danny DeVito snuffs it and how you hope it’s not going to be a police shoot-out.

2) Hate all new music the way your parents hated your music growing up. Also refuse to listen to any new music. Excuse yourself from hearing any new music because it's "Not Music." Important: insist for years to everyone that you aren't like your parents one bit when it comes to music.

3) Make up stories about your back hurting. Retell everyone often and without any prompting. That way no one will ask you to help them move all their possessions into a 3rd floor apartment. Don't even let them borrow your truck because your back hurts so bad.

4) Mention awesome yet defunct and never popular TV shows you loved like "Police Squad," "Alf," "Web Soup" or "Mall Cops."
Or just regale some bits you saw on Tosh.0. The political incorrectness will ensure the youngsters won't hit you up for donations to just the stupidest causes you can imagine. Like the high school science fair or a free CPR course.

5) The differences before and after 9-11 is a high-ground you should never cede. Let everyone know what it was like before and after that fateful day in long, rambling half-stories that never quite seem to come together.

For example, I tell the story about how the 9-11 atrocity ruined my dreams of flying to Las Vegas in a full gorilla costume. This would have been possible pre-911, but the terrorists stole that dream from me. Forever.

This was more than a stoned laugh. Liana and I bought a very convincing ape costume. We had a screenplay all written out. It was called "Mr. Ape Goes to Vegas." It started with Mr. Ape waking up in Seattle, having bananas for breakfast, throwing feces at select pedestrians, and hailing a cab to the airport.

After being annoyed by just about everything on his flight and losing his luggage, Mr. Ape is seen joyfully running with his hands over his head into The Bellagio with a drink in his hand. Possibly a daiquiri. or a Cucumber Cooler, or just a Red Bull.

If you think I'm lying, just ask Liana.

6) Eat gross, stupid stuff. I'm not talking kale or tofu. I'm talking corned beef hash, black licorice, handfuls of green olives, and cold hot dogs. And mention lackadaisically that you would like a glass of the water the hot dogs were boiled in with 2, and ONLY TWO ice cubes. Guaranteed to shut these pipsqueaks up so you can grab plenty of elbow room at the table.

7) ALWAYS let someone buy you a drink and ALWAYS reciprocate that drink. NEVER let someone or anyone pay your whole bar tab, and ALWAYS regard them with suspicion. Why would they want to know you had 112 whiskeys, 6 Zombies, and 581 White Wine Spritzers in under 28 days? They must be trying to discredit you politically.

Were you enraged by my little yarn? Have your doctor up the dose of whatever psychotropic you are on and click here: https://mailchi.mp/twosaltydogs/the-salty-paws-may-2023-7226071

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