On Sunday, the nation’s energy secretary stared out of my TV set and said the Iran war was going forward according to a “meticulous” plan. The Secretary, Chris Wright, said the White House and the Navy had planned for the Iranians to close the Strait of Hormuz. He smiled, said it would soon be open, and all would be well very soon.

About that time, I glanced at my phone and saw that my oil supplier planned to deliver heating oil in the next few days. The last time they visited (in February), my wallet was drained of some $630. Heaven knows what the bill will be this time. I’ll bet a couple hundred more.

Then the phone rang, treating me with an unannounced call from the lovely, but admittedly winter-ravaged, Ms. Pigette, who called from her post holding up a mailbox beside Route 27 on the way out of town.

“Is it over yet?” she asked.

If you mean winter, I answered. I can report that spring arrives on Friday, March 20, at 10:46 a.m. EDT.

If you mean the Iran war? The White House Energy Secretary just said not to worry, it would end soon. “Could be sooner than that, but the conflict will come to an end in the next few weeks,” the Energy Secretary said.

“Soon. Soon?” snapped Ms. P. “If you believe that, you will believe I will soon turn into a young, beautiful bombshell with an hourglass figure without help from GLP-1. If you believe that prediction, you will believe the Red Sox will win the American League. You will believe the TV miracle cures that claim the medical establishment doesn’t want you to know about, and you will invest your kids' inheritance in a secret diamond mine in the Andes.

"This Wright guy said a grand coalition of nations would soon help us escort oil tankers through the two-mile wide Hormuz corridor that is within sight of the Iranian coast. What has been the immediate reaction to the White House's request for help? They smiled and just said no, effectively waiving the one-fingered salute to the American president.”

Wait a minute, I said. Didn’t Mr. Trump tell us the Navy had sunk the whole Iranian navy? How can they close the shipping lanes if they don’t have a big navy?

"Yes, he did," she replied. "But you don’t need a Bath Iron Works destroyer to sink a big fat oil tanker lumbering just offshore. A couple of guys on a jet ski with an RPG could set her ablaze.

"And you can bet that once a tanker lights up in the shipping lanes, no carrier will insure that journey and no shipper will order a skipper to go through that slim passage. With no way to ship oil, the petrol producers will shut down their production lines and lay off workers, and ordinary Arabian Gulf folks will have to give up their BMWs.

"Back home, the ripple effect will affect us all, hiking our fuel oil bills, gas prices, food prices, and well, you can imagine the rest of the story."

Why are they doing that? I asked. Why would the president do something that would backfire on his political agenda?  The other day, didn’t former New Jersey governor Chris Christie say the political effect of the Iran conflict is a key reason the White House is losing clout? 

"I don’t know about that," she said. "He still runs the show, but I did note that some of his biggest MAGA supporters have turned on him, including Joe Rogan, Megyn Kelly, Steve Bannon, Tucker Carlson and Marjorie Taylor Greene. And some Republicans in the Senate doubt they have the votes to pass Mr. Trump’s precious SAVE the Vote Act that would require us to prove our citizenship in order to vote in federal elections. And lurking over it all are the Epstein files containing bombshells, shadowing a bunch of unknown Republican, Democratic and business big shots. They have already brought down an English prince. If they can tar the royal family, what will they do to an ordinary politician? You know,” said Ms. P.

Then she sighed. "It is getting all too confusing and way too expensive for me. I’ve been covered with ice and mud since Lord knows when. My little piggy toes are frozen, my beautiful bum is turning blue, and I can’t wait for a warm morning sunrise. Thinking about all this bad stuff makes my little mind spin. I think I will take a nap,” she said.

Good idea.