Respect is one of the 5 Rs of Positive Discipline. This, among other topics, are being discussed at the Parent Support Group taking place every other Saturday at the Community Center in the Meadow Mall, Boothbay Harbor. Free on-site babysitting is provided by volunteers and Red Cross-certified sitters so that parents can relax and focus during the 2-hour meeting.

Our last article addressed the first of the 5 R’s: Reinforce. This time we’ll review the topic of Respect as it relates to positive discipline. The 5 Rs are approaches to discipline that seek to avoid problem behavior and teach appropriate ways to behave. It’s a lot easier and more pleasant to prevent problems then to have to react when problems occur. With that in mind, one way to gain cooperation and maintain a positive atmosphere is to treat your children with respect.

Adults don’t have a problem treating other adults with respect (most of the time), but for some reason, adults sometimes tend to act with less respect towards children. We know that we get more cooperation from other adults when we treat them with respect, yet with children we often revert to “talking down” to them.

Ways to show Respect:

• Smile, and speak using courteous language such as “please”, “excuse me” and “thank you”.
• Keep your cool and maintain a respectful tone even when your child may not be respectful to you.
• Model respectful behavior; your child is watching and learning from you.
• Avoid name calling. E.g. “You’re being a brat.” Apologize if you do slip up.
• Correct behavior discreetly and/or in private. Briefly explain the reason why the behavior (not the child) is inappropriate and what they can/should do instead.
• Listen when they are talking respectfully to you. Listening (use eye contact) conveys respect.
• Let them know you understand when they are upset about something. E.g. “You wanted to play with that toy and it’s hard to wait while someone else plays with it, isn’t it?” Sometimes just being heard can help to diffuse a situation. Then you can ask them to think about how they can solve their problem.

When children (and adults for that matter) feel right, they behave right. So how do we help them to feel right? By listening to them and accepting their feelings. Active listening and empathy is not easy and requires practice. But beyond using respectful language, it is a powerful way to show your child that you respect them, so it is well worth the effort. The problem is, adults don’t normally accept the feelings of children. Can you hear yourself in any of these examples?

• “You don’t really feel that way.”
• “You’re just saying that because you’re tired.”
• “There’s no reason to be so upset.”
• “You’re over reacting.”

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish in “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So kids Will Talk” teach us how to help children deal with their feelings with listening skills and empathy talk.

• Listen with full attention (look at them)

• Acknowledge their feelings with a word “Oh”, “Mmm”, “I see”.
• Give their feelings a name. (e.g. “That must be frustrating.”)
• Give them their wish in fantasy. (“I wish we had all the time in the world to stay at the park to play.”)

Accepting feelings is not the same as agreeing. If they say something you find offensive you can let them know you don’t like it. E.g. Child: “Mommy, I hate you!”

Mom: “I don’t like that. If you’re angry about something, tell me in another way.”

There's still room for a few more families (parents of kids from pre-school to 2nd grade). Free babysitting and snacks are provided. The discussion group meets from 10 a.m. to noon twice a month at the Community Center. For more information, contact Liz Lussier at 633-1162.