Recently, I spent well over an hour on the technical support line of a software application company seeking help in solving the problems caused by a software glitch, a problem of their making, not mine. After a seemingly interminable time on the phone with the energetic but entirely ineffectual technician and with my (their) problem no closer to being solved than when we began, I cut the call short with a “thank you” choked out between clenched teeth. The technician brightly responded, “No problem.” I quickly ended the call to avoid any of my blown gaskets being captured on tape (“This call may be recorded for training purposes.”). Nor was this by any means my first call to a support line that ended with a still unsolved problem and a cheery “no problem.”

I know, I know, I know. I am conversant, if not fluent, in Millennial. I do get it that “no problem” is the Millennial approximation of what, in the distant past, was expressed by the quaint expression, “you are welcome.” But here’s the problem, no, the two problems, with “no problem.”

When I seek help in resolving a problem, the last thing that I want to hear at the end of the interaction – whether the problem was fixed or not – is the moony, reflexive assurance that there was “no problem,” that our lengthy time together was spent doing something other than solving/trying to solve a problem.

“I’m glad we were able/sorry we were unable to resolve your/our problem”: fine. “Thank you for calling us with your non-problem”: not so much.

But there is a bigger problem with “no problem.” Me: “You have spent more than a hour on the phone with me solving/trying unsuccessfully to solve my/our problem. Thank you.” Technician: “No problem.” To my antiquated ear, “no problem” says, “I was OK helping/trying, albeit in vain, to help you solve your problem because it didn’t cause me a problem. I didn’t have to break a sweat, bust a gut, put myself out.” By negative implication, “If helping you had caused mea problem, I probably would have just hung up.”

How about, “You are welcome. I am glad that I was able to fix your problem, even though it took a long time and required genuine effort and ingenuity on my part and more than a little patience on yours. Thank you for your confidence in us. Please get back to us with any future problems.”

To which I would cheerfully respond, “No problem!”