By now you are probably familiar with all kinds of internet scams. And I personally hope you know about them without being scammed.
Actually, I don't care.
You know the scams I'm talking about. Some nerd from another culture hijacks one of your friend's accounts or mimics one of your friend's accounts and hits you up for money. Usually it has something to do with WhatsApp of which I am completely ignorant and plan to remain completely ignorant. Terrible grammar and a very loose understanding of U.S. slang are scam - markers.
I doubt whether these half-hearted petty thieves are even scolded by social media gatekeepers like Zuckerstruck or Muskatoon. Of course I am personally banned for 30 days for going against "Community Standards" by merely exercising my Constitutional Right to be a sarcastic gadfly. YES. Your right to be a sarcastic gadfly is guaranteed by the 21st Amendment! WAKE UP, PEOPLE!!!
One spectacular day not too long ago, I got a Facebook friend request from someone I didn't recognize. Of course I just accepted the request because that is the kind of derring-do I regularly engage my fat, sclerotic, 58-year-old self in routinely.
"Judy's" picture suggested she was a nice older lady. Like she kept a bowl of ancient, dusty, half-melted ribbon candy in an antique bowl in the sun on her credenza for her grandchildren. I also thought she looked like she had an enormous crush on Garrison Keilor and wept silently when NPR cancelled "A Prairie Home Companion."
After accepting her friend request, I immediately got a Facebook Messenger Message Messaging me. I forget what I was working on at the time, but I immediately dropped it. I had a feeling this was going to be good.
(NOTE: The transcript below has been left intact- errors and all- unless editing was needed to improve readability. Most pictures were added after the fact for a cheap laugh, but not all. Those are noted ORIGINAL PHOTO)
Judy: Hi. How are you doing today An your last night
Me: What the hell are you talking about?
Judy: Don't you hear what I said How are you doing an your night
Me: I'm doing great. I just finished a human sacrifice. You?
Judy: I am pretty good And so happy because God has been so good to me this year he has really done wonderful thing for me this year as well.
Me: Do you like pancakes?
Me: YOU DON'T LIKE PANCAKES?!?!?!
Judy: God has helped me through IMF and poverty alleviation awarding money to some set of lucky winners that apply for it, its has really change my life for better.Did you heard about it?
Me: Yes. I've already done it and made $150,000 in pancakes. It's wonderful.
Judy: Oh really, This specifically new program was established by the World Bank to helps people in the society to meet up their needs,And i got $100,000 delivered to me when i apply for the grant and you don't have to pay it back I don't know you have not heard about it, you can also apply too.
Me: Would you like to see a picture of my ass in the moonlight? It's quite something
Judy: What's the meaning of this?
Me: You are an attractive woman and I would like to ask you out on a date.
Judy: I don't like it, what did I want to use it to do. Have you heard about France Duncan?
Me: Has he been blessed? I DO NOT like Blasphemers or letting them drink my precious bottom-shelf Scotch.
Judy: She is the one who help me to get the grant money. she is a good and honest person.i will give you her private text number so that you can apply as well.
Me: NOW I remember France Duncan. She was born without a chin, right?
Judy: The most amazing part of the program is that i never paid a dime to the agent to apply for the program And you are not to pay any taxes on the money you will only pay for the Delivery fees if you are Qualified.. i do pay and i got my win.
Me: I used this method so many times when I was in prison, that I now run the prison.
Judy: It's real an legit would you like to apply so that i can give you there private text number
Me: I would have to wait until after Bonanzas All-You-Can-Eat Salad bar closes around 10pm tonight before I text. Also, my stepmom won't let me text women because she says they're evil.
Judy: Here is there text number (928) 589-5XXX she is a good and honest person. It is real legal and legit, I was scared and wondered if something that could be this true would be real when a friend told me about it, and I contacted the agent and qualified and got my Grant money delivered to me after I passed all the process
Me: Can you text her for me? My mom says she's evil and I have both my arms caught in a thresher.
Judy: I can't text him for you she's a man not women. You text him your self. Text him that's her private text number she's an honest person (NOTE: I LOVE France's quick, partial transformation from woman to man and the gender confusion in the sentence above!).
Me: OK. I will text just as soon as all the acid wears off and I ditch this stolen car. Do you have a cellphone I can use?
Judy: No Don i don't have any extra cellphone with me, You just have to text him she will reply you
Me: OK. I will steal a cellphone
Me: I texted France Duncan and this is the photo the person he sent back a very naughty photo!!!
Judy: He can't you any photos just text him that you want to apply for Grant he will reply you back
Me: I am a God-fearing man. I have never been so insulted at Bonanza's salad bar EVER. I demand an apology.
Judy: What apology do you demand Don he can't send you such a picture the man is an honest person he's the one that helped me get my wining money an he was delivered to me
Me: All apologies, Judy. My parole officer sexted me that photo. She's been snorting the bindles for 10 years and thinks she's a newt.
Judy: Text him back he will reply you back
Me: Judy, I tried calling that number, but it was just Phil Collins "No Jacket Required" playing over and over. Is there another number I can call?
Judy: They don't allow calling you only text them
Me: When I texted, France texted the lyrics to Phil Collins "No Jacket Required" over the phone. It was very confusing!
Judy: Who told you to text Jacket I don't told you to text Jacket I only told you to text the agent incharge of the wining money
Me: When I texted France Duncan, all he did was text me the lyrics to "No Jacket Required" by Phil Collins. He did NOT text me any money. I am very upset because I don't like Phil Collins at all. I don't like France Duncan any more either. I think he has all my money and I think he IS A WOMAN like Richard Nixon!!!
Judy: Don't disturb me Don I don't sure you text the agent, if you text him he will reply you back
Me: Can you lend me some money? You got $100,000 from France. You have been blessed.
Me: Or at least can I use your cellphone?
Judy: How mush do you want me to lend you
Me: $20 would be great. I need to get catfood.
Judy: Hey out of here Don you don't need money
Me: You're right. I need love. Although the cat will die without food.
Judy: Do you have Wells Fargo bank account
Me: I have several. None have any money in them. Just cats.
Judy: Good, do have all the information with you there
Me: I do. Will you need my social security number too?
Judy: Why asking
Me: The last time I had money put into my cats Wells Fargo account, the man said he needed my social security number and all the 17 cat social security numbers too. Unfortunately the cats Social Security Numbers are in an ice-fishing shack at the bottom of Sebago Lake. I tried to get the shack off the lake before it melted but Liana wanted to go to Blood Bath and Beyond to get some duvet covers.... Can you believe that shit?
Me: I think the acid is peaking.
Judy: Can you send me the information now so I can transfer you the money
Me: Of course. Hold on.
Me: Account #: 7873 5518 4866 1778
Me: Expiration: 02/28
Me: CVV: 957
Me: I don't see the money yet, Judy
Me: Judy, where's the money?
Me: My cat is DYING. Please help
Me: Oh no wait. It's just a hairball.
Me: JUDY!!! FRANCE SEND ME ANOTHER NAUGHTY PHOTO!!!
Judy: France cannott send this picture Send me the correct information of the account
Bank Phone #:
Security Question & Answer.....
Me: What's MMN?
Judy: Mother middle name
Me: MMN - Mother's Maiden Name - Of course! How clever to invite her! She loves all my 17 cats and she always cries when we harvest the chinchilla pelts every spring. I tell her not to get so attached to them because they are just rodents like the one she poisons with all the radium she scrapes from the dials of old watches she finds at garage sales.
Judy: Those are the information you need to get for me
Me: Is the phone # my phone number, or the bank's phone number?
Me: Judy, I need your help.
Me: Where did you go?
Me: There's no bank address on my credit card.
Me: Address of the bank account?
Me: That's not on my credit card.
Judy: Your account must have bank address
Me: I need you now more than ever, Judy.
Me: I will need to call the bank for that. Can I borrow your cellphone?
Me: I just looked at your profile picture again, and I have to say you are a very attractive woman. Maybe we could get together and do this in person over a couple bottles of Cutty Sark
Me: JUDY!!!! FRANCE DUNCAN JUST SENT ME $400,000 in something called Dong!!!! You were the one who helped me get all this money! Lets go get plastered on Cutty Sark and invest in cryptocurrency derivatives!!!!!
Me: Judy, I think France Duncan is a PERVERT!!! She keeps sending me photos even though I got my Dong!!!
And I never heard from Judy again until I had her co-sign for my new truck.
~ Don (Not a Dog)
SEE THE NAUGHTY PHOTOS FRANCE DUNCAN SENT ME: https://mailchi.mp/twosaltydogs/the-salty-paws-september-2023-7226112
I present to you with trembling hands, our September newsletter, which is slightly less boring than televised tennis: https://mailchi.mp/twosaltydogs/the-salty-paws-september-2023-7226112
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