WE LOVE HATE MAIL! - MAY 2022
HERE'S YOUR POOP BAG
One day I was in an uncharacteristically good mood whilst I was at the shop. I don't know WHY I was in a good mood. I only knew it was going to be short-lived and heartbreaking.
I turned my head and there was a large, stinky, full, poop bag thrust only inches from my face.
"I'm sorry, no returns on used poop bags."
The woman behind the poop bag said, "I don't want to return it. I want you to throw it away for me."
"And I want someone else to throw it away for me," I said. The poop bag loomed ominously in its original position.
"Can't you just throw it in your garbage?"
"I could, but then I'd either have to smell it for the rest of the day or break into the dump and throw it out because I was banned from the dump for siphoning off the used fryolator oil and burning it in huge vats to keep the black flies away from my nephew Edgar's solo re-enactment of Mutiny on the Bounty. It's quite something if you haven't seen it."
"It's a little dog poop and I bought the bags here!"
"It's a LOT of dog poop. In fact, if you got one of them fancy rich-people anaerobic digesters, you could produce enough methane with that bag o' poop to power over 10,000 wristwatches into the next century."
She said nothing and lowered her poop bag dejectedly. And disarmingly.
"It's like the time when I loaded our Christmas tree in the back of my truck sometime in April and got pulled over because I forgot to go to the Boothbay dump and the blowing needles were creating a road hazard on I-295. You know what that's like, right?" (True Story)
Like most people she just stared at me.
"Or you can just take your bag o' poop and throw it away in the garbage can across the street where it won't be a biohazard to anyone in my shop."
"Thank you!" she said with relief.
"No. Thank YOU for not making me break into the dump. Now, does your pup want a snack?"
~ Don (Not a Dog)