Mon, 08/09/2021 - 7:15am

Augustus continues his completely fabricated fight against “The Vets...”

.......When the tennis ball bounded across the lawn, what could restrain me? I set out with my usual vigour and drive. I was still Supreme Fetch Dog Throughout All the Land and I had to earn that title every single day. That is the Labrador's Creed.

Instantly, excruciating pain flashed across my eyes. My rear legs buckled and rendered me asunder. I was sure I'd been shot. My chin ground into the lawn and inertia of my own body drove me a considerable distance until I skidded to an inglorious stop. When I came to, I realized I was howling like a whelp and crawling with my front paws across that bleak, open lawn. To my added horror, I was still crawling after that absurd tennis ball and not to the cover of the rhododendron bushes. High-caliber bullets smacked into the ground all around me, kicking up thick chunks of sod, yet I could only think of the tennis ball. That is the Labrador's Creed.

When the miasma in my mind lifted, I heard machine-gun chatter along the tree line mixed with the more sporadic and accurate solid booms of sniper rifles. Hand grenades thudded all around and shredded Deb's exquisite shrubbery and herb gardens. I saw Liana enable and shoot an M72 LAWS at a target I could not see.  A CRACK-sizzle told me she had scored a direct hit. These beasts had armor!!! Liana scored many more hits that day.

And yet my rear legs remained immobile. I began to claw the earth and drag myself frantically towards the cover of those waiting rhododendron bushes. It was the only thing within tens of meters that offered the merest of protection from the murderous gunfire and varied assaults on my being.

I have disparaged Don in the past as a laughable stooge, yet on this day he displayed an unshakable nerve. Without regard to his personal being, he ran into the kill-zone with his M-79 grenade launcher blazing in one hand and his M249 LMG in the other. He threw my mangled and vulnerable body onto his shoulder and humped it to the relative safety of the vehicle. Bullets whizzed and shrapnel whined by him as he set me gently on the comfy pillow in the back seat of the car.

He tended my wounds as best he could and gave me a quick snack to keep my strength up. After an affectionate rub to my head, I saw him dash off through a boiling cauldron of death to do proper battle with these feculent savages.

"Noooooo!" I screamed after him, but there was no stopping him. He was possessed. Bullets slapped into the car as the snipers tried to re-acquire the target that was me. I kept my head down and I kept my powder dry.

Don reappeared a short while later with an an enormous smile on his battle-sooted and bloody face. He laid he same tennis ball he had originally pitched in front of me.

Excelsior, Don! Your bravery shan't be forgotten! In normal life, you may be a boorish lout, but under fire, you are a colossus in command. And Liana's prowess with Light Antitank Weapons deserves respect. The Bipeds, nay, MY Bipeds chased off "The Vets" that day like the barbaric hyenas they are......

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