The February Salty Paws is IN!
TO GO DIRECTLY TO THE SALTY PAWS INSTEAD OF READING THIS HORRIBLE CUT AND PASTE - CLICK HERE:
The Salty Paws - February 2021
I figured I should make the first part of this intro panel pleasant because people have accused me of being "just a big ol' Negative Nellie." Whatever that means. And just so you know-- they were banned.
What does everyone think of our new collar design? We spent thousands of dollars on customer surveys. Then we hired out the finest Parisian designers to give us several dozen patterns. Then we flew around the world to compare self-produced collars from other semi-respected small-end pet stores. Then we took a nap.
Available Spring 2021!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WE LOVE HATE MAIL!
I don't just mock tourists, interlopers, and complete whackjobs. My venom is made for everyone. Let this be proof that the larger world also suckles my inner sarcastic viper.
Angus P. Rutherford -- "You should have a frequent buyer program for us struggling locals."
Response:
1) You are not a "Local." You are from Pennsylvania and you are NOT struggling. You remotely work for a large company in New York City. You are single. You have no children.
2) I DO give a local discount. If you shopped with us more frequently you would know that.
3) It's a small town. Everyone hears you complaining about not enough booze in your drink, dinner portions being too small, and how expensive everything is. I can't imagine how you think complaining about everything will make it less expensive for you in a small town. You just make everyone hate serving you.
4) You are dreadfully boring and very loud. It's bad enough I have to run into you around town. Thank Dog I don't have to worry about running into you in my shop.
Dog Bless.
~ Don (Not a Dog)
The Coal Shack
Does anyone ever read this little section? I know people read my irritating product descriptions in this newsletter because I get orders using the coupon codes.
There's no way I can gage whether anybody but me pays this paltry little pre-amble any attention.
So in honor of my beloved Coal Dog, we'll be giving out a coupon code that will take an additional 5% off anything you purchase this month.
Use Coupon Code "COAL" for an additional 5% off your purchase of non-food and non-already-on-sale items. Use it on top of the other codes this month for additional savings.
Boilerplate:
If you haven't joined us here before, this is the part of the newsletter where we highlight our web-only deals for the month. That's right! These specials are available ALL MONTH LONG, and EXCLUSIVELY to you guys - our rabid newsletter-getters! Of course I throw it up on Facebook mid-month. And if you forwarded this to people you know and they bought stuff with the codes, we would have no way of knowing. So have at it!
And remember all you Boothbay Region Locals - these aren't shop specials. You need to buy them from the website and come in and get them! Or I can mail them to you. Or I can drop them off. Whichever you prefer, just let us know in the "Ordering Instructions" part of your Shopping Cart
FREE SHIPPIN' FEBRUARY
See what happens when a loud group of thankless heathens consistently complains about something unimportant?
YOU complained that my previous "FREE SHIPPIN' FEBRUARY" graphic was terrible, and it was. For 6 years I used that stupid graphic and watched the complaints roll in. I can't WAIT to see all the whiny, self-important emails from you little squeakers now. It will be refreshing. It will be invigorating. It will be the capstone to a terrible year that never should have seen the light of day.
I began my revenge by choosing color contrasts that physically damage several parts of the human eyeball. Then I made it even harder to read, and jammed the writing together so it's hardly legible. And I kept the stupid contraction of "Shipping" that made many of you want to take a swing at me. And I'm pretty sure that those of you who are colorblind are saying to yourselves- "What's the big deal?"
Oh yes- Free Shipping on just about everything except for food, stuff already on sale and a couple things like tennis balls and Pet ID tags.
Dogspeed writing those blistering emails to me this month.
FREE SHIPPIN' FEBRUARY
Use Coupon Code: SPEEDDOG
<< Click HERE >>
Oh Dog, look at all this copy I have to write for this product.
Did you know that we actually had a friend of ours and her sister do the labels for these treats? Here's the amazing part- we actually paid them. It was over several years and in returnable bottles, change we found in our couch, and $1 lottery tickets, but we got it done.
Do you like the color variation to denote the treat size? That was me. Did you know we call the smallest size "Nugs" because when our mercurial employee Reagan screws up she says "Oh Nugs!"
Do you know the State Capital of Maryland? What is the valence electron configuration for sodium? When was the Boer War? Where is Area 50? Was the first Sino-Japanese War of 1894 a hoot or what? Name Procol Harum's greatest hit. Check out the rack on Bernadette Peters. Can you think of a more disgusting insect than earwigs? How many pints in a quart?
Did you know that the spent grains we use in these treats are from The Footbridge Brewery right here in Boothbay Harbor? They are.
Let us, you and I, speak of what exactly constitutes a canine "Buffet."
My dogs consider a 2yr-old deer (or other wildlife) carcass a bufffet. Also ripe fields of blueberries, blackberries, raspberries, apples and rose hips are a buffet.
So, if you live in a place where it's hard to find a coyote hunting ground or bountiful fields of ripe fruit, why not give Canine Buffet a try?
All your dog's favorite treats are there- severed duck feet, severed esophagii, (haha! esophaguses) severed pig ears, and severed... well...mmm... There are bully sticks.
And just so you know- the proper way to say "Canine Buffet" is to rhyme it with Jimmy Buffet. Just kidding. That's awful. Don't do it around me in person.
CANINE BUFFETS- 32.55978238% OFF!!!!
Use Coupon Code: BUFFETED
I should probably disclose that as I'm writing the copy for this product, I am also on Instagram messenger stringing along a troll who thinks I'm a 19 year old Mormon girl in a fortified compound somewhere out west. I'm so excited!!! Will he ask for naked pictures of me or just my credit card numbers? Or maybe both?!?!?!
He just asked me if I was on "hangout apps." I just sent him a couple of bizarre photos. Now I'm sending him made-up credit card information. He wants a picture of my credit card. Haha! I told him Paw wouldn't let me use the camera because of what I done to the ox yoke last spring. I told him I'm a District Manager for the Federal Reserve. I can't believe this guy is still engaged! I wonder if I should tell him he's actually chatting with the Instagram account of a small pet store in Midcoast Maine.
ANYWAY... these are a great way to keep your little beast engaged while you get some real internet trolling work done. Less than 1% fat, too. And if you use the other coupon code I hid in this newsletter, this will be a great price.
38.22751985% OFF ALL HDC PRODUCTS
Use Coupon Code: OX-YOKE
<< Click HERE >>
Free Shipping on ALL Orders Over $75
OR Just use Coupon Code "SPEEDDOG" FOR FREE SHIPPING ON JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING
Sale Ends 2-28-21 Unless the world has blown up by then.
Click Here to forward The Salty Paws to a Friend or Enemy
Sniffin' Around
The Boothbay Region
 2RPWCITBRLTPGAFBOBBC --or-- 2 Random People Who Correctly Identify This Boothbay Region Land Trust Preserve Get A Free Bag Of Bare Bites Challenge When: All February Long Where: At Two Salty Dog's World-Famous Website You see how I changed the title? Instead of the first 2 people, to correctly identify the BRLT preserve, it's 2 RANDOM people who correctly identify the BRLT preserve. That means you can make a guess on the last day of the month and STILL WIN. Test your knowledge of the Boothbay Region Land Trust Preserves in a Do-or-Die, Winner-Take-All Killfest for scrumptious Bare Bites! Good Luck! We'll also announce the winners from last week! Could you have won? Well, not if you didn't play, Sillypants! WE post a photo of a Boothbay Region Land Trust preserve (above). YOU be a person who guesses the BRLT preserve correctly. If your correct guess is drawn out of a filthy gunnysack with all the other correct answers, WE give YOU a FREE 3oz bag of Bare Bites! It's THAT simple! We'll even mail it to you! Click here or on the photo above for a higher resolution photo and email me at: fatmax@twosaltydogs.net with your answer and all the information necessary to steal your identity. One guess per entrant per month, please.
|
 MIDCOAST HUMANE'S PET LOSS GRIEF SUPPORT GROUP When: Thursday, February 18th Where: 45 Baribeau Drive, Brunswick ME
Cost: FREE. Pre-registration is REQUIRED. Midcoast Humane and CHANS Home Health & Hospice's grief and bereavement volunteers are teaming up to offer grief support for pet owners. These support sessions are open to anyone who is grieving the loss of a beloved pet or who may soon face the passing of a pet. These losses are critical to process and a support group provides a safe, comforting environment to do so. Please join us to share experiences and stories of your animal companions. FREE TO ATTEND, PRE-ENROLLMENT REQUIRED. Please call group facilitator Andy Sokoloff at 721-1357 or email:
|
Max and Aug's Dog Blog
These are not blogs on how to trim your dog's nails or get the yeasty smell out of their ears, or how to get your dog into Harvard. They're not sappy, gushing, obvious stories about my dogs.
These are blogs from the point of view of my dogs. In that way, I think "The Harbor Dogs' Stories" is a lot more descriptive than "Max and Aug's Dog Blog." And everydog has their own writing style & personality. For example:
Max: Funny. Intelligent. In constant war with me.
Auggie: Shrewd. Haughty. Pernicious. Writes with antiquated words and prose.
Coal: Upbeat. Loyal. Observational writing style.
Buddy: Sweet. Dumb. Very simple writing style.
Me: The best American writer in a generation.
Teddy: Full of angst and suspicion. Blogs are snippets from his diary.
Anyway, if you haven't before, why not click on a link to the blog? You can click the photo above or the link below. Whatever makes you feel comfortable and chummy.
In this iteration of our ongoing monthly train wreck, Auggie thinks "The Vets" are removing his body parts to silence him from exposing the fact that many Veterinarians are NOT Veterans.
