WE LOVE HATE MAIL - MARCH 2022

Mon, 03/21/2022 - 5:15am

TALES OF THE COBRA LADY

One busy October day, a woman came up to the counter with an armload of things.

She plopped the merchandise down. I rang it all up. She looked at me directly in the eye like some kind of cobra and asked, "What is your End of the Season Sale?"

"I have an Evinrude 10.5hp outboard engine I'm letting go for $25. The reason it's so cheap is because it's sitting on the bottom off of Southport Landing. But you can fish it out, blow the lines, and she'll go for another 1,000 hours. I guarantee that."

"The Tour Bus Driver said everyone is having big sales because the town is shutting down."

"That's true. But they'll never take me alive."

"What?"

"Every year, jackbooted thugs from Augusta come and flush everyone out of the Boothbay Region for the winter. Most of these people are cattle and go right along with what the government says. I go and hide on one of the islands until the coast is clear and then I open my shop up after they all leave. That's how I lost my Evinrude."

She looked at me incredulously, then regained her cobra-like composure and said, "What kind of discount do I get for display merchandise?"

"The same discount the Sham-Wow Guy gets when he shops here. Are you active or retired military? I give a 10% discount to those folks."

"No."

"Then can I help the next person in line who doesn't want to pay with goats or their daughters, or otherwise treat my store like a 3rd World Bazaar?" I pointed to the next person in line who started to move forward eagerly.

The Cobra-Woman's husband had been off to the side watching things spiral out of control. He waved a credit card in front of my face and said, "Nevermind. I'll get it."

She shot him a look that would have welded two battleships together. 6596cf99-b02f-1ddf-3a98-81695b51a6c3.gif

I handed him his goods and his receipt.

"Be mindful of the chlorine leak when your bus gets to Camden, folks. Next in line, please."

~ Don (Not a Dog)

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