TOTAL PET MAKEOVER
I don't usually start these newsletters out by being nice. It ruins the atmosphere for the rest of the newsletter by putting me into a bad mood.
But this last May really showed what a great group of people we have here in Boothbay Harbor. We had to put down Buddy on the 18th.
The whole thing reminded Liana and I of all the reasons we moved back from the west coast to Boothbay Harbor- Dr. Dean taking his evening time come to our Southport Cabin and put him down in a comfortable place. Betty from Janson's dropping off a wonderfully-wrapped bottle of Prosecco. So many people dropped by the shop just to let us know they were thinking about us it was pretty overwhelming. And of course all our Facebook Friends like David Forster who couldn't wish us well in person but wrote us such a heartfelt email.....
So thanks guys. We always try to find a silver lining on the storm cloud and you guys are it.
Next stop: More Snarkiness than you can handle.....
WE LOVE HATE MAIL!
Elderly woman in the shop looking around disdainfully: "Well, we're from Florida, and the pet stores are a lot larger there."
Me: "Hmmm... Florida... Is that down near New York City?"
Woman: "No. It's down near Georgia."
Me: "The Georgia near Azerbaijan?"
Woman: "No. It's on the Gulf Coast..."
Me: "I've heard of it! It's that city where you can buy a squirrel for lunch all wrapped up in a package and Granny don't have to cook it the night before!!"
Woman: <<Mouth Open>>
Me: <<Looks earnestly at woman>>
Woman: Slowly backs out of store.
~~ Don (Not a Dog)
The Coal Shack
Very few of you spent over $10k on our website and took advantage of our Reagan offer last month. We still have dozens of them running around and they're very expensive to feed.
So please buy a bunch of stuff here and help us Feed The Reagans. You'll feel good knowing the one true Reagan and all her clones won't be pulling a rickshaw around the Boothbay Region for room and board.
If you haven't joined us here before, this is the part of the newsletter where we highlight our web-only deals for the month. That's right! These specials are available ALL MONTH LONG, and EXCLUSIVELY to you guys - our rabid newsletter-getters! Of course I throw it up on Facebook mid-month. And if you forwarded this to people you know and they bought stuff with the codes, we would have no way of knowing. So have at it!
And remember all you Boothbay Locals - these aren't shop specials. You need to buy them from the website and come in and get them! Or I can mail them to you. Or I can drop them off. Whichever you prefer, just let us know in the "Ordering Instructions" part of your Shopping Cart.
ALL LOBSTER TREATS FOR SALTY DOGS TREATS
About 4.51 billion years ago, the earth was a molten ball of magma. Most scientists think that the moon was formed by a collision with a Mars-sized body called Theia.
Once the Earth and moon cooled, it was only a quick 4.48 billion years until Cynodesmus evolved, and the branch "Canine" was established on the Evolutionary Tree.
In the 30 million years since then, we saw the coming and passing of the Pleistocene Epoch, several Ice Ages, the Ancient Sumerians, Zoroastrianism, The Trans-Continental Railroad, "Keeping up with the Kardashians," and a lot of other stupid stuff nobody except nerds and the hopelessly feeble-brained care about anymore.
Then, in 2012- a breakthrough- Friendship Lobster Treats LLC was formed and began making dog treats with REAL Maine lobster in them. The world would never be the same. And now all their treats are ON SALE.
ALL NOW 29.99% OFF
Use Coupon Code "SUMERIAN"
<< CLICK HERE >>
P.S. The Cretaceous is widely regarded as the funnest, most hard-rocking Era of all time. It shouldn't be confused with the hard-rocking "Better Than Ezra" which made their hard-rocking debut in the late Cenozoic Era.
TWO SALTY DOGS MUGS
Almost all of us love our dogs. Even when they're doing stupid stuff like rolling around in filth or barking at things in Asia. If they were children, a spouse or a complete stranger, you could just say in a calm voice - "Please don't roll around that dead porcupine," and they would most likely stop.
But dogs think you're insane for NOT rolling around in the dead porcupine with them.
This has nothing to do with what's on offer for this space this month. It was actually pirated from a product featured in a previous newsletter. In THIS space, in THIS month's Newsletter, we are offering a substantial discount on all our ugly mugs.
When we first decided to offer mugs at our humble haberdashery, we did a lot of research. Did you know that a lot of the shadier mug-makers will get their mugs thrown "by hand" in China, import them, then glaze and fire them in the USA? That way they get to say "Hand Thrown" and "Made in the USA." But if you look closely, they never say "Hand-thrown in the USA."
These are made for us especially by Deneen Pottery in St. Paul Minnesota. That's why they cost substantially more than the light, crappy mugs with idiotic, ubiquitous decoration like, "THAT DOGGONE DOG!" and "I ♥ MY PAPUA NEW GUINEA SINGING DOG."
That's it. I'm done.
Use Coupon Code: UGLYMUG
<< Click HERE For More Info >>
TREAT MIX AND COOKIE CUTTERS
If you're like me, there's nothing I want to do less than sit in a hot kitchen in the summer making dog treats for my ungrateful beasts. Then again, if you're like me you have long, rambling inner-dialogues with Sasquatch and aliens from the planet Mongo. Nevertheless, lots of you out there don't mind the agony and disappointment of baking. That's why we're putting everything you need to make treats for Fluffykins on sale. That's right- treat mix, single cookie cutters, cookbooks, Bare Bites Liver Powder, and cookie cutter collections. If my resellers license allowed it, I would also put tranquilizers on sale for you whackjobs. But no. THE GOVERNMENT won't let me sell drugs. Can you believe that? This is the kind of oppression I suffer EVERY DAY. Well. Looks like I'm pretty close to the bottom of the photo. The only thing left I have to say is: Everything on the "Bakery" page is NOT on sale. So don't send me a bunch of whining emails about how you can't get the code to work for Boothbay Brew Bites. I will only scoff at you.
ALL TREAT-RELATED STUFF - 33.98% OFF!!!
Use Coupon Code: MONGO
<< Click HERE for More Info >>
I'm sure this product gets me on every FDA and USDA's "Subversive Idiot" watchlist. If the deep state is listening... THERE IS NO POOP IN THESE TREATS. THEY ARE ONLY MADE TO LOOK LIKE MOOSE POOP. CAN YOU PLEASE UNFREEZE MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT AND STOP BLASTING ME WITH ULTRASONIC BRAINWAVES?
Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that your dog will like eating these dog treats any better than eating real moose poop. But that's your battle to fight, Bucko.
NOW 33.33% OFF!!!!!!!!
<< Click HERE for More Info >>
Free Shipping on ALL Orders Over $75
Sale Ends 6-30-21
Click Here to forward The Salty Paws to a Friend
The Boothbay Region
2 Random People Who Correctly Identify This Boothbay Region Land Trust Preserve Get A Free Bag Of Bare Bites Challenge
When: All May Long
Where: At Two Salty Dog's World-Famous Website
This month is in honor of Big Dumb Buddy. I will always remember him as serious about being filthy. The preserve might be a little tough to guess because there's no background, but it is quickly identifiable if you have a dog or small children.
Congratulations to May's winners - Wendy B. and Susan R. The correct preserve was Porter's Preserve. Their bags of Bare Bites are on their way!
Now it's your turn.
Test your knowledge of the Boothbay Region Land Trust Preserves in a Do-or-Die, Winner-Take-All Killfest for scrumptious Bare Bites! Good Luck! We'll also announce the winners from last week! Could you have won? Well, not if you didn't play, Sillypants!
WE post a photo of a Boothbay Region Land Trust preserve (above). YOU be a person who guesses the BRLT preserve correctly. If your correct guess is drawn out of a filthy gunnysack with all the other correct answers, WE give YOU a FREE 3oz bag of Bare Bites! It's THAT simple! We'll even mail it to you!
Click here or on the photo above for a higher resolution photo and email me at: email@example.com with your answer and all the information necessary to steal your identity. One guess per entrant per month, please.
When: June, 2021
Where: Our World-Famous Website
This section is rapidly becoming the section we beg you to do something for us. It's usually voting for us in some meaningless online contest. And usually, the results are tepid.
Then we hit on a novel idea: We will pay you to do something for us!
That's right. If you review one of our online products, we will send you a gift certificate for $1. We'll wait until the end of the month to send ONE gift certificate or all your reviews, but you get the idea.
AND we will expand it so that it encompasses comments on any Max and Aug Blogs (The Harbor Dogs' Stories).
Have at it you beautiful train wrecks, you.
Max and Aug's Dog Blog