SECRET GOVERNMENT COVER-UP REVEALED

Mon, 11/15/2021 - 4:45pm

C'MON SHEEPLE! THEY'RE TRYING TO COVER UP EARLY BIRD!!!!

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 20th – SPREAD THE WORD!!!

ON THE INTERWEBS:
People, please drink heavily on the Friday before our Interwebs Early Bird Sale begins at midnight. This doesn't benefit you in any way. It will benefit our mega-global-hyper-ultra-conglomerate overlords by giving them more money to spend on things like Mars/Moon Landing hoaxes, Piltdown men, Chemtrails, 9-11 Truthers, Flat-Earthers, and putting Fluoride in the Drinking Water to emasculate men.

We are not here to judge. We just want your money

Use this handy table to calculate how much you could save based on how lazy / drunk you are:

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And for the love of Dog, please don't use the quotes. They're not part of the code

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AT THE SHOP:
Against all conventional protocol, we will be doing a normal Early Bird this year. That means you locals have to get your lazy, unimpressive, stretch-marked buttocks out of bed and venture out in the frosty, early morning hours to save a few bucks. And yes, we give out free coffee and biscotti, but Don coughs a "loogie" on every 30th biscotti to reign in the people who would feast on his biscotti for weeks.

IN SHOP DISCOUNTS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO SALTY DOGS FACT CHECKER: FALSE
Don is too lazy. Every 150th biscotti.

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A BIG PICTURE OF MONEY HERE WILL MAKE YOU THINK YOU WON A DOOR PRIZE

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Everyone who takes part in Early Bird is eligible to win one of 5 Gift Certificates regardless of what idiotic conspiracy theories they believe in.

Grand Prize: (1) $100 Gift Certificate
Second Prize: (2) $50 Gift Certificates
Third Prize: (2) $25 Gift Certificates

Online orders are automatically entered into the drawing and there's a sign-up form in the shop. If you are particularly cheap, you can send me an email (fatmax@twosaltydogs.net) and enter that way- free of charge. We'll draw the winners that night on Facebook Live at one of the local bars and we will notify you within 24 hours if you won.

TWO SALTY DOGS FACT CHECKER: FALSE
We will be consulting the Illuminati regarding which conspiracy theories you believe in and basing your prizes around that. <SATIRE> <SATIRE> <SATIRE>

*EXCLUDED ITEMS:
Dog Houses, Items already on sale, Pet ID tags, Pet Food, Seresto Flea and Tick Collars, Tennis Balls, Pet Photography sessions, and a bunch of other stuff I decide at the last minute when I realize I'm going to lose a whole bunch of money.

OTHER STUFF:

Free Shipping on All Orders Over $75 if you’re from the Illuminati.