NO. THIS IS NOT “THE NEWS FROM MARGE.” That’s next week.

Marz is now 10 months old which means he has 10 brain cells at his disposal. Does he use them for anything constructive like making me strudel or massaging my feet? No. The brain cells are mostly devoted to staring at the back of my head 24hrs a day because he's worried I'm never going to throw a tennis ball again.

I'm starting to feel sorry for Marz inasmuch as he's happy, energetic, forgiving, and enjoys a wide variety of physical activities. The rest of us at Chez Salty hate all that stuff.

I'm trying to find a way that I can crush his youthful, playful, exuberance and instill a cynical, sedentary lifestyle. Like Auggie's.

The other thing that's annoying about having a puppy is that he pays attention to everything I do. This is good when I'm crossing the street with him. But I feel a little imposed upon when I've had 6 Enola Gay Whiskey Blends and I'm trying to to concentrate on an air-fryer commercial at 3:30AM and Marz drops a fetch-ball in my lap. Why can't he just be happy with the infomercial?

Click to see more of him boring his eyes into the back of my head.

Marz is making weird new sounds. Up the volume on the video above. He's letting me know he wants to get out of my truck and do ANYTHING else but sit in my truck.

Teddy absolutely hates him. Yet Marz thinks Teddy is his best friend. So when I open the screen door in the morning, Teddy bolts to get away from Marz, and Marz runs after his "best friend." Sometimes they won't be back for almost an hour and Auggie and I will have eaten their breakfast. 

I regretfully report that he has been stealing my clothes and toys. Then he'll run gleefully up to me and rub both in my face. I'll scream at the little goober about my dignity and how he needs to respect boundaries.

All he'll do is try to "kiss" me and get his disgusting, slobbery, foul tongue in my mouth.

It's time I talked to a lawyer about my rights.