JOB OPENING - OPPRESSED RETAIL DRONE

Tue, 06/08/2021 - 9:45am
JOB OPENING:
Oppressed Retail Drone
 
Part-time - $12.50 - $20 / hour - 20-30 hours/wk
Location: 22 McKown St, Boothbay Harbor, ME 04538
 
Job Description:
The successful candidate will possess nerves of steel and not flinch when I throw egg-sized rocks at their head. I will start with jagged rocks and move to smooth rocks for the right candidate.
 
Successful candidate will be very cute, but not cuter than me.
 
Duties include:
1) Stocking and rotating product
2) Helping customers without being snotty
3) Not being rude to insufferably overbearing tourists who deserve it.
4) Not coming into work:
    a) Drunk
    b) Hungover
    c) Stoned
    d) A complete emotional wreck.
    e) Late
 
Those with gang-related face tattoos, tuberculosis carriers, conspiracy theorists, and "probing" space aliens will not be considered for the position unless they detail my car every month.
 
Oppressed Retail Drone will command $12.50/hr, pet food at cost, merchandise at 30% off, and possible year-round employment. A higher hourly salary will be offered to candidates who have previous pet industry/retail experience and who praise the boss obsequiously. Bonus points given if you can define obsequious without looking it up.
 
No crying in front of customers will be tolerated. Tissues are provided in the shed for that purpose. Crying time is limited to 15 minutes a day and counts to your lunch break.
 
Send resume to fatmax@twosaltydogs.net or drop by the store for an application
 
Starts immediately.