Stories I've Never Told You

Global spider change?

Thu, 04/23/2015 - 3:30pm

It has come to my attention via a few of my more regular correspondents, that I may, on occasion, tend to ramble on a bit too long before getting to the point of these weekly stories. Do you really think so?

Well, in that case I’ll simply lay all my cards on the table right up front. Today’s column is about (drum roll please) spiders!

There. Now I hope you can all settle down, quit fidgeting and start paying attention. Thank you.

Now where was I. Oh yes, I’ve long been fascinated by the rich biological diversity hiding in plain sight all around us. Some of my fondest memories involve the exploration of these hidden treasures.

Who knew that a magic kingdom as strange, wonderful and appealing as any Walt Disney could imagine, is just beneath the surface of a million tidal pools along Maine’s rockbound coast?

I made this discovery one summer when my older sister and I were heading for a family picnic on a granite ledge overlooking the crashing Atlantic surf at Ocean Point.

As we picked our way across the craggy landscape of huge sun-bleached boulders, my sister suddenly stopped, bent down and began examining a nondescript clump of rockweed.

A few moments later, she reached out, grabbed a fistful of the mottled green stuff and proceeded to peel it back as if she were opening a secret trap door. There, beneath the outer layers of soggy camouflage, lay a miniature seawater aquarium positively teeming with life.

Amongst the pool’s flora and fauna were shiny pink limpets and prickly white barnacles. Tiny minnows and even tinier shrimp darted to and fro between the threadlike strands of gently swaying eelgrass.

I watched in awe as a pint-sized hermit crab maneuvered his cast-off periwinkle shell home awkwardly across the pool’s sandy bottom. The more I looked, the more incredible scenes were revealed.

I was hooked! Pretty soon I was rattling off names, typical markings and interesting facts for a whole menagerie of sea creatures, amphibians, birds, reptiles and, of course, a mind-boggling array of crawling, flying and burrowing insects.

Mostly, I was absolutely crazy about “bugs,” any bugs, all bugs, leaf-hoppers, black flies, you name it. If it had six legs it was fine by me. Six legs? Yeah, that’s actually critically important since once the leg count gets up to eight the whole deal changes, and not for the better.

More than eight legs? No problem. Got a centipede that needs walking? Drop him off. Got an insect with eight legs? Sorry. Technically that’s not even an insect. It might look like an insect to the untrained eye. But it’s actually an arachnid. Arachnids are spiders. And spiders are a whole other story.

I know, I can hear the outraged cries already: “What about Wilbur’s friend Charlotte?”

Look. As far as I’m concerned, E. B. White’s fictional web-literate heroine is well, in a word, “terrific”!

I mean, what’s not to like? She’s wise, kind, brave and philosophical. Basically, Charlotte is a loving spider. And that is exactly why she’s the exception that proves the rule!

Take a good look at the rest of the spiders out there, zillions of them lurking in dark corners, woodpiles, attics, basements, all the creepiest places you could possibly imagine. And every last one of them is just waiting to pounce on some unsuspecting prey.

Pounce? You bet! Take a look at any of your standard run of the mill insects; ants, beetles, moths — take your pick. See? There’s virtually no “pouncing” going on there. When you watch an ant walking across the kitchen floor, the ant keeps right on walking right?

Try that same trick with a spider. As soon as you notice him — he stops!

That’s right. He knows you’re watching! That’s just plain creepy!

While 99 percent of the insects mind their own business, spiders spend every waking moment stalking somebody; a trait, which by the way makes them excellent movie villains.

As a kid I was exposed to plenty of movie spiders. Whether it was 50-foot tarantula running amok in San Francisco or a deadly black widow climbing the leg of a clueless starlet, spiders were always bad news.

So, imagine my panic upon reading that global climate change may eventually result in more and even bigger spiders. Yikes! Is there no hope?

Well, maybe a little. The report suggested that these giant future spiders would also be incredibly clumsy. Hmmm, big, dumb, clumsy spiders? I can work with that.

So, if you see me digging a humongous hole in my backyard next summer, no need to jump to conclusions about giant spider traps or anything, OK?

Let’s both just pretend I’m out there planting a lilac.